hoping for the better.

I haven’t been on, and I’m sure everyone can guess why. I didn’t make the pom squad.

Devastating? Yes. At least I can now say that I can talk about it without balling my eyes out. If anyone asked about it or asked how I was… here came the tears. It was ugly. Glad that phase is over. Wow. I just don’t even know what to say. It’s been about a month and I’ve been kinda blah this whole month, which is something I told myself I didn’t want to happen. I didn’t want to go into a slump the next time something I’d hoped for didn’t work out. And yet, here I am.

DAY OF CAMP:

I showed up feeling great. As great as I could feel. I was nervous, but it was manageable. I felt much more comfortable being there a second year and knowing how things were going to go. I had my hair curled, my makeup done (which was all a HUGE rush) so I was feeling good about myself. Let me just start out by saying, I worked my butt off on my a la second turns. In the last tryout dance there were like 5, so I was focusing on that into the splits. No. Just no. The first turn we get is a pirouette into a coupe with hands going up. Sayyyy whaaaa? I had never done these before so my mind was laughing. But I thought, ‘manageable’. Next turn: pirouette into fouette turns into a triple pirouette into a tilt splits. Can I fall to the ground now? SERIOUSLY?! I had no idea where this came from. I’d forgotten you could connect turns like that.(remember my dance background) So, yeah. I’m more of a take things one step at a time by myself kind of girl, so I figured I would just take it to the studio afterward and focus. Then another coupe. Then a pirouette jump split. It’s true, you always get the things thrown out to you that you don’t practice. It sucks but it’s just how it goes unfortunately.

I took the dance home to practice. There were some other girls in the studio. One had decided not to do it. And sadly, I was on the same page. I felt like everything I’d just learned was gone! I couldn’t remember the dance and I couldn’t do the turns. I spent about thirty minutes contemplating whether I should do it or not. I felt like, why practice? I’m not going to get it. I’m not. That was a heartbreaking moment, but so filled with unnecessary defeat. If I didn’t audition then what did I stand for? Was I a fraud? What does it mean if I believe and preach to others all these quotes about not giving up, you’ll never know unless you try, success lies within you. It means nothing!!! I couldn’t do that to myself, and yet I was about to. I was texting my ‘mentor’ the girl I had been getting my private lessons from and she came to help me for a few minutes. I felt like I sucked, and she believed in me. I was gonna do it. If she hadn’t came, I honestly don’t think I would have done it. God used her in so many ways to speak to me and I’m so grateful. So I bucked up, did that dance as many times as I could catch my breath. Over and over again and I couldn’t feel my body. Minutes passed to hours and soon it was midnight and the gym was closing. I had to leave even though I wasn’t fully prepared.

DAY OF AUDITIONS:

Let me introduce you to the worst night of sleep in the history of worst nights of sleep. When I finally got to bed at about 130am, of course I was up running the dance in my head as I fell asleep. But sleep never came. Aside from all the noise outside my bedroom door.. I was just restless. I couldn’t sleep. I probably got one hour of sleep that night because it was up and at ’em bright and early to do the hair and makeup again. I got there and began running my routine, a little devastated that my turns weren’t in my favor that day.(had they ever been?) Soon they announced that they were changing it this year and we were going in pairs. Grrreeeat. When we lined up by height, I was coincidentally standing by one of the girls previously on the squad. Uhh, no way. Get me out of here. I certainly did not want to be compared to someone who already had everything they were looking for. I slyly moved to the right in a safe zone. Safe, though? No. The coach came and got me and stood me next to ANOTHER girl previously on the squad. You’ve got to be kidding me. I wanted to throw my hands up and say ‘this is it’. I hadn’t felt more defeated than I had at that moment. Pure defeat. I couldn’t beat out this girl. I had planned on improvising on parts I messed up on and now… she was going to do it perfect right beside me. Life just wasn’t fair! I was one of the last ones. I got out there and did it the best I could. By the end I was DYING FOR AIR. I had to hold my breath just so no one could hear how loud I was breathing. I knew it then.. I was done. The only thing I’m going to say about it was that I had confidence. I may have messed up but I got right back in it and smiled the whole way through. The only thing that hit me then, though, was that it was over. I walked out, called my mom, and cried. Embarrassingly in a corner, I might add. It’s just pure devastation when you know what you’ve been working so hard for is gone and out of your reach.

 

Remember the dream. This is my last chance. Two and half years working towards this. Gone. One of the worst feelings ever. I said that if I showed the love of God to at least one person through this process then it would be worth it. And I really hope I fulfilled that. I read some good words from someone in my spot. She, like me, goes for things with her whole heart. We set our eye on the goal and work toward it until we achieve it. I will work hard until I’ve gotten what I wanted. I didn’t, in this case. And that’s hard to not reach a goal you were aiming so high for. But I’m praying it’s for the best. I’m praying for God to reveal to me show me how to move forward and what my next step is. I don’t know what my future holds anymore. I thought I did. And it’s a scary feeling. A lot of changes are coming up in my life and I’m praying that I can fully accept into my heart ┬áthat God will reveal his plan to me and that this year will hold greater things than I could have imagined.

 

xoxo