Goals.

We should all have some. At least one. 

No matter what age you are, goals and dreams are something essential we need. Dream big, dream small. Just dream! Seeing something you want to accomplish can be very intimidating though. A tip I have it to write it down! What is your big goal? Write it down. Then, write down smaller goals that will help you achieve that big goal. Writing down smaller ones will help you stay motivated enough to make your daily changes happen. Nothing happens overnight, so putting things into smaller chunks will help your big goal seem much more attainable, and it will also allow you to achieve things on the way to your big goal. 

If your goal is to lose 30 pounds, great! But….. where to start? You can’t just say you want to lose 30 pounds and hope your occasional daily changes will work one day. Write down what your daily changes will be and follow them. Set small deadlines for yourself on when you should achieve what. Decide and write down how your going to achieve them. Then, slowly, you will begin marking off things on your list and you will be up to your big goal! Yay! 

So, what is your goal or dream? If you don’t have one, start thinking. Life is too short not to have dreams!! 

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hoping for the better.

I haven’t been on, and I’m sure everyone can guess why. I didn’t make the pom squad.

Devastating? Yes. At least I can now say that I can talk about it without balling my eyes out. If anyone asked about it or asked how I was… here came the tears. It was ugly. Glad that phase is over. Wow. I just don’t even know what to say. It’s been about a month and I’ve been kinda blah this whole month, which is something I told myself I didn’t want to happen. I didn’t want to go into a slump the next time something I’d hoped for didn’t work out. And yet, here I am.

DAY OF CAMP:

I showed up feeling great. As great as I could feel. I was nervous, but it was manageable. I felt much more comfortable being there a second year and knowing how things were going to go. I had my hair curled, my makeup done (which was all a HUGE rush) so I was feeling good about myself. Let me just start out by saying, I worked my butt off on my a la second turns. In the last tryout dance there were like 5, so I was focusing on that into the splits. No. Just no. The first turn we get is a pirouette into a coupe with hands going up. Sayyyy whaaaa? I had never done these before so my mind was laughing. But I thought, ‘manageable’. Next turn: pirouette into fouette turns into a triple pirouette into a tilt splits. Can I fall to the ground now? SERIOUSLY?! I had no idea where this came from. I’d forgotten you could connect turns like that.(remember my dance background) So, yeah. I’m more of a take things one step at a time by myself kind of girl, so I figured I would just take it to the studio afterward and focus. Then another coupe. Then a pirouette jump split. It’s true, you always get the things thrown out to you that you don’t practice. It sucks but it’s just how it goes unfortunately.

I took the dance home to practice. There were some other girls in the studio. One had decided not to do it. And sadly, I was on the same page. I felt like everything I’d just learned was gone! I couldn’t remember the dance and I couldn’t do the turns. I spent about thirty minutes contemplating whether I should do it or not. I felt like, why practice? I’m not going to get it. I’m not. That was a heartbreaking moment, but so filled with unnecessary defeat. If I didn’t audition then what did I stand for? Was I a fraud? What does it mean if I believe and preach to others all these quotes about not giving up, you’ll never know unless you try, success lies within you. It means nothing!!! I couldn’t do that to myself, and yet I was about to. I was texting my ‘mentor’ the girl I had been getting my private lessons from and she came to help me for a few minutes. I felt like I sucked, and she believed in me. I was gonna do it. If she hadn’t came, I honestly don’t think I would have done it. God used her in so many ways to speak to me and I’m so grateful. So I bucked up, did that dance as many times as I could catch my breath. Over and over again and I couldn’t feel my body. Minutes passed to hours and soon it was midnight and the gym was closing. I had to leave even though I wasn’t fully prepared.

DAY OF AUDITIONS:

Let me introduce you to the worst night of sleep in the history of worst nights of sleep. When I finally got to bed at about 130am, of course I was up running the dance in my head as I fell asleep. But sleep never came. Aside from all the noise outside my bedroom door.. I was just restless. I couldn’t sleep. I probably got one hour of sleep that night because it was up and at ’em bright and early to do the hair and makeup again. I got there and began running my routine, a little devastated that my turns weren’t in my favor that day.(had they ever been?) Soon they announced that they were changing it this year and we were going in pairs. Grrreeeat. When we lined up by height, I was coincidentally standing by one of the girls previously on the squad. Uhh, no way. Get me out of here. I certainly did not want to be compared to someone who already had everything they were looking for. I slyly moved to the right in a safe zone. Safe, though? No. The coach came and got me and stood me next to ANOTHER girl previously on the squad. You’ve got to be kidding me. I wanted to throw my hands up and say ‘this is it’. I hadn’t felt more defeated than I had at that moment. Pure defeat. I couldn’t beat out this girl. I had planned on improvising on parts I messed up on and now… she was going to do it perfect right beside me. Life just wasn’t fair! I was one of the last ones. I got out there and did it the best I could. By the end I was DYING FOR AIR. I had to hold my breath just so no one could hear how loud I was breathing. I knew it then.. I was done. The only thing I’m going to say about it was that I had confidence. I may have messed up but I got right back in it and smiled the whole way through. The only thing that hit me then, though, was that it was over. I walked out, called my mom, and cried. Embarrassingly in a corner, I might add. It’s just pure devastation when you know what you’ve been working so hard for is gone and out of your reach.

 

Remember the dream. This is my last chance. Two and half years working towards this. Gone. One of the worst feelings ever. I said that if I showed the love of God to at least one person through this process then it would be worth it. And I really hope I fulfilled that. I read some good words from someone in my spot. She, like me, goes for things with her whole heart. We set our eye on the goal and work toward it until we achieve it. I will work hard until I’ve gotten what I wanted. I didn’t, in this case. And that’s hard to not reach a goal you were aiming so high for. But I’m praying it’s for the best. I’m praying for God to reveal to me show me how to move forward and what my next step is. I don’t know what my future holds anymore. I thought I did. And it’s a scary feeling. A lot of changes are coming up in my life and I’m praying that I can fully accept into my heart  that God will reveal his plan to me and that this year will hold greater things than I could have imagined.

 

xoxo

god is teaching me….

… to stop comparing myself to yesterday, the day before, the day before that. when i look back at where i was this time last year… WOW! tremendous difference and i’m so grateful. often i forgot how truly blessed i am in that sense. that god is helping me with me dance. seriously! who can say they learned all these tricks by themselves in two years? if you can then props to you. but i know i couldn’t do it without god! but i’m realizing by how far i’ve come that this is my god-given talent. i love audition day and the nerves i get before i go on. their so worth it when i get in front of those judges and nail what i did. i need to go out and give it all i’ve got. which is what god is showing me (and i literally JUST realized this) (like 5 minutes ago).

sidenote: tricks for pom are kinda sketchy. one day i can do a perfect turn and the next day i can only do a few then i start falling. and i worry how my turns will be at tryouts. 

god is showing me that i need to go out on that dance floor and do my best FOR THAT PARTICULAR DAY. that’s kind of odd, i know. usually people are told, “you’ve done every trick perfectly in your life, so do what you’ve been doing” blah blah something along those lines. and thats great advice. but for me particularly, it’s not. since dance tricks aren’t something im consistent at, i might not go out there and nail the tricks that i know i’ve done perfectly before. and i also know that that is going to eat me up inside for years to come if it goes down that way. but i can’t let it. I need to go out there and do the best I can do that day. If I screw up every trick, that needs to be okay in my heart. as long as i know i’m trying hard that day, i have all the reason to be proud of myself. I need to get it in my head now that I might not nail every trick and that’s okay, as long as i don’t let it eat me up inside. but at the same time i need to go into the audition believing in my heart that i can nail the tricks. i just need to be right with myself and with god if i don’t do as well as i hope. im just praying that god will take over my tricks and help me do them perfectly.

god is wonderful and never leaves or forsakes you!!!
hayley. ❤

“As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.”

Proverbs 23:7. 

I’ve been having a big wakeup call with a lot of things! First, my confidence. Confidence in Jesus that he has my best interest no matter what happens with the pom squad, and also that I trust that he has a plan for my life. I’m learning to trying to believe in my heart that if I make the squad, it will not break me. Interesting thought: what would it be like if I couldn’t dance? I would still have God. He is constant and no matter what he is the one that’s going to be there for me no matter what. Through it all. 

Also confidence in myself. As the verse says, if I say something that I am, then that’s what I am. If I say I’m not going to make it, I’m not. Who’s going to believe it if I don’t? I’m going through today focusing on God and focusing on better and more positive thoughts. God got me this far with my dancing and I can’t continue it without him or it’s just going to fail miserably. 

I have two privates today then ballet tomorrow. I’m just going to let go, stop worrying, and have fun! Dancing is fun to me so I need to stop feeling like whether I make it or not is the deciding factor of if I’m good or not. If I failed or not. Because it’s not. I love dancing and I’ve came a long way, so I’m going to turn to God in that fact and know that he gave me this passion to spread glory to his name and share what he has done for me through dance and that’s what I’m going to focus on!!