the double standard.

What first comes to your mind when you hear the words “double standard”? For me I think of a girl saying it about a guy. Because us girls are always saying something about it 😉 Luckily I’m not about to go into that. I’ve been learning this really important lesson lately, and I’m not even sure you would call it a double standard. All I know is that we are probably all guilty of doing this and the sad thing is that we don’t even realize it. Or maybe everyone has realized it but me and I’m just plain crazy, but I’m going to share anyway.

Ever been in a bad situation or a bad fight? Find the first situation your mind goes to and think about it for a minute. Think about everything that went wrong. Who was to blame? What was that one thing they said or did that you can’t help but bring up every time you think about the situation. Think about it.

I was in the middle of venting to someone close to me, asking why he/she never makes an effort to spend time with me… and it hit me! What effort did I make? I complain and am constantly ate up inside about this depleting relationship but I didn’t do anything about it. I act like it’s the other persons job to seek me out and my reasoning is because in our relationship it makes more sense that the other person should be making more of an effort towards me. But there I was, standing in front of the person and my heart pounded with guilt as my mind became frantic. They shouldn’t be in charge of coming to me. What are they going through? How is their job? How are the issues they tell no one about effecting their lives? And now I’m standing here telling them they have another selfish burden to worry about. One that was completely accurate…. on my terms. I should be ashamed of myself! Isn’t it my job as a christian and as a person to seek people out if I’m not happy about our relationship? Another example is how I get hurt by someone and I become distant but I don’t tell the person how I’m feeling or why I’m hurt. I’m just distant. And that’s not fair to the other person who may genuinely think they aren’t doing anything wrong. I think we sometimes tell ourselves that because I know something, so should they. Because I feel this way, they should know what I’m feeling and feel that way too. But we don’t all think the same! All of these situation make me realize: it’s not one-sided; it’s two.

It could be reversed too. Maybe your holding onto something that you did wrong and you just can’t get over. Well, let me tell ya…. get over it. You may think you were the only one to blame, but that also may not be the case. I’m not saying shoot the blame on someone else for what you did wrong, but don’t continually beat yourself up for it. Admit your wrongdoing and move on in hope to not make the same mistake again. Let go. Because holding onto it isn’t going to make anything better. Every day is a new day and it’s not your job to please the people who are still holding a grudge against you. We all make mistakes. Some mistakes may be bigger than others, but honestly I believe no matter how the big the mistake, if you ask for forgiveness, forgive yourself, and move on then you will be blessed. I believe EVERY mistake, EVERY sin can be forgiven. Every day you are given a new start and God intended for us to start each day new and focus on Him and on being a better person. Don’t hold on to grudges, self-pity, mistakes. LET IT GO.

There you have it. If this has never crossed your mind before then I encourage you to take a few minutes to think about it. Think about your situation before you approach or judge the problem. Remember, it’s easy to blame the other person. And frankly, they may be very much to blame. But take a step back from the situation and see what your doing. What you could be doing. How that person was raised. What the advantages are that you have but they don’t. Now what are you going to do about it?

CHALLENGE: Try going a day with a good attitude. In a bad situation, think of how it can be considered a blessing. What can you gain from it? (confidence, patience, etc..) Think of what you can be thankful for in a bad situation. See how a positive attitude in every situation can make your day better. It’s easy to be grumpy and rude, and honestly sometimes we just flat out want to be like that because it’s easy. But we know it’s not right. Let go of a grudge your holding against someone because no matter how screwed up it seems on their part, maybe they aren’t the only one to blame.

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hoping for the better.

I haven’t been on, and I’m sure everyone can guess why. I didn’t make the pom squad.

Devastating? Yes. At least I can now say that I can talk about it without balling my eyes out. If anyone asked about it or asked how I was… here came the tears. It was ugly. Glad that phase is over. Wow. I just don’t even know what to say. It’s been about a month and I’ve been kinda blah this whole month, which is something I told myself I didn’t want to happen. I didn’t want to go into a slump the next time something I’d hoped for didn’t work out. And yet, here I am.

DAY OF CAMP:

I showed up feeling great. As great as I could feel. I was nervous, but it was manageable. I felt much more comfortable being there a second year and knowing how things were going to go. I had my hair curled, my makeup done (which was all a HUGE rush) so I was feeling good about myself. Let me just start out by saying, I worked my butt off on my a la second turns. In the last tryout dance there were like 5, so I was focusing on that into the splits. No. Just no. The first turn we get is a pirouette into a coupe with hands going up. Sayyyy whaaaa? I had never done these before so my mind was laughing. But I thought, ‘manageable’. Next turn: pirouette into fouette turns into a triple pirouette into a tilt splits. Can I fall to the ground now? SERIOUSLY?! I had no idea where this came from. I’d forgotten you could connect turns like that.(remember my dance background) So, yeah. I’m more of a take things one step at a time by myself kind of girl, so I figured I would just take it to the studio afterward and focus. Then another coupe. Then a pirouette jump split. It’s true, you always get the things thrown out to you that you don’t practice. It sucks but it’s just how it goes unfortunately.

I took the dance home to practice. There were some other girls in the studio. One had decided not to do it. And sadly, I was on the same page. I felt like everything I’d just learned was gone! I couldn’t remember the dance and I couldn’t do the turns. I spent about thirty minutes contemplating whether I should do it or not. I felt like, why practice? I’m not going to get it. I’m not. That was a heartbreaking moment, but so filled with unnecessary defeat. If I didn’t audition then what did I stand for? Was I a fraud? What does it mean if I believe and preach to others all these quotes about not giving up, you’ll never know unless you try, success lies within you. It means nothing!!! I couldn’t do that to myself, and yet I was about to. I was texting my ‘mentor’ the girl I had been getting my private lessons from and she came to help me for a few minutes. I felt like I sucked, and she believed in me. I was gonna do it. If she hadn’t came, I honestly don’t think I would have done it. God used her in so many ways to speak to me and I’m so grateful. So I bucked up, did that dance as many times as I could catch my breath. Over and over again and I couldn’t feel my body. Minutes passed to hours and soon it was midnight and the gym was closing. I had to leave even though I wasn’t fully prepared.

DAY OF AUDITIONS:

Let me introduce you to the worst night of sleep in the history of worst nights of sleep. When I finally got to bed at about 130am, of course I was up running the dance in my head as I fell asleep. But sleep never came. Aside from all the noise outside my bedroom door.. I was just restless. I couldn’t sleep. I probably got one hour of sleep that night because it was up and at ’em bright and early to do the hair and makeup again. I got there and began running my routine, a little devastated that my turns weren’t in my favor that day.(had they ever been?) Soon they announced that they were changing it this year and we were going in pairs. Grrreeeat. When we lined up by height, I was coincidentally standing by one of the girls previously on the squad. Uhh, no way. Get me out of here. I certainly did not want to be compared to someone who already had everything they were looking for. I slyly moved to the right in a safe zone. Safe, though? No. The coach came and got me and stood me next to ANOTHER girl previously on the squad. You’ve got to be kidding me. I wanted to throw my hands up and say ‘this is it’. I hadn’t felt more defeated than I had at that moment. Pure defeat. I couldn’t beat out this girl. I had planned on improvising on parts I messed up on and now… she was going to do it perfect right beside me. Life just wasn’t fair! I was one of the last ones. I got out there and did it the best I could. By the end I was DYING FOR AIR. I had to hold my breath just so no one could hear how loud I was breathing. I knew it then.. I was done. The only thing I’m going to say about it was that I had confidence. I may have messed up but I got right back in it and smiled the whole way through. The only thing that hit me then, though, was that it was over. I walked out, called my mom, and cried. Embarrassingly in a corner, I might add. It’s just pure devastation when you know what you’ve been working so hard for is gone and out of your reach.

 

Remember the dream. This is my last chance. Two and half years working towards this. Gone. One of the worst feelings ever. I said that if I showed the love of God to at least one person through this process then it would be worth it. And I really hope I fulfilled that. I read some good words from someone in my spot. She, like me, goes for things with her whole heart. We set our eye on the goal and work toward it until we achieve it. I will work hard until I’ve gotten what I wanted. I didn’t, in this case. And that’s hard to not reach a goal you were aiming so high for. But I’m praying it’s for the best. I’m praying for God to reveal to me show me how to move forward and what my next step is. I don’t know what my future holds anymore. I thought I did. And it’s a scary feeling. A lot of changes are coming up in my life and I’m praying that I can fully accept into my heart  that God will reveal his plan to me and that this year will hold greater things than I could have imagined.

 

xoxo

one day when the light is glowing, I’ll be in my castle golden…

.. but until the gates are open, 

I JUST WANNA FEEL THIS MOMENT! 

 

Seriously feeling this moment right now! If you would have asked me two days ago how dance was going, I would have said that’s it’s going alright. I’ve been praying with faith that I can get these tricks and turns for dance down, and I’ve been trying to believe that God has everything under control (hard to do), but I came to a conclusion today that He really does! It’s hard to have faith sometimes when you don’t see improvement on something you’ve been working on. I had a private today with one of the girls on the pom squad and God definitely spoke through her to give me tips. I feel so much better…. like I can accomplish anything. I still have a long way to go, but with God by my side I CAN ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING!

Going back to slow improvement: It’s really a hard concept to grasp. For me, anyway. I have the mindset where I want to work on something for a week and see results right away. I’m way to hard on myself though. Sometimes I think, “why bother? I’m not getting any better”. but really, I am. Any amount of time spent practicing your goal is not wasted time! You might improve slowly to where you don’t notice but YOU ARE IMPROVING! DONT GIVE UP! 

There’s a saying that I really really like. It goes, “Work as if it depends on you. Pray as if it depends on God.” Ultimately, I’ve realized that I can practice and practice all I want but I’m not going to improve unless I turn to God. This has always been super hard for me to do because I want to do things to where I depend on myself. You’re better off with God running the show, though!!

This week, I want to encourage everyone to pray faithfully to God about something you’re working on and see how much you improve with God by your side!!!! And share them with me, I love hearing encouraging stories about how God is helping everyone!

 

As for me, I will be missing my ballet class tomorrow because of an injured groin. ): Then I won’t be working on dance on Saturday. Hopefully this (unwilling) break will help in the long run. 

Have a wonderful friday!
love, hayley.

Why do we give up on things so easily?

Why do we give up on things so easily?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot today, and I think I know the answer, at least for me. As a society I feel like we want something and want it right away. This is so me when it comes to dance. I want to see results right now. And, ya know, that’s just not possible. I’m not superwoman. I don’t have the power to learn something and be perfect at it two seconds later. You can’t work for something for a week and expect to have it by then. There’s a quote that goes something like, “If it were easy, everyone would do it.” Think about it.. it’s so true! And I forget that all. the. time.! Sometimes I feel like it’s not fair that I’m not as good at something as I want to be because I “work so hard for it.” I can’t just work hard at it for a week though and call it quits because I’m not where I want to be. Things take time. And time is something I just don’t like waiting for. A goal or dream your chasing isn’t going to be easy by any means, and that can be really discouraging. You try, see no improvement, and give up because it’s useless. I struggle with this so much. 

DISCOURAGEMENT. What an ugly word, hmm? I’m probably the worlds worst when it comes to being discouraged over my achievements. I always feel like I could do better. And maybe I could. Actually, I know I could! But, discouragement is always in my mind when I don’t do something as good as I want to do it. I struggle with this daily, and I think this ugly word is why I’m so hard on myself. I might have to work harder than I’ve ever worked before, but if I keep going then I’m going to accomplish something amazing. I can’t do it though if I’m horribly hard on myself.

TODAYS REVELATION: Stop getting discouraged!! Lately I’ve been doing fairly decent when it comes to trying and trying even when you feel like you’re not getting anywhere. Today, though, I just had a change of heart. I saw results in my dancing (mainly my flexibility) and it was such an eye opener. God didn’t put this goal in my life for me to breeze through it. But if we ask Him for guidance then He will show us that He is with us in all aspects of our life. God was showing me that I can’t give up now. He’s helping me little by little… and I think the reason for that is because if he just gave it to me then I wouldn’t run to him for strength. God put this dream in my life and it’s through Him that I’m going to achieve it.

I just want to encourage everyone to take a minute and think about a goal or a dream you have. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. Once you think of it… GO FOR IT! Don’t let anything stop you. You never know how many people you are helping when you shoot for the stars. 

JE’TAIME, hayley.
have a lovely tuesday. xoxo